Shadow of Subconsciousness

Saturday, 25 March 2017

Gettin' active



On wednesday I was a bit of a green thumb, since I doubled the amount of plant pots I have on my windowshill. I originally had one plant, then while I lived back at my parents it doubled itself. Last spring I got my third. Now, all of a sudden, I have a total of six of 'em and two of 'em consist two plants. Since when did my one plant suddenly became eight..? I'm a bit scared of next spring to be honest.. Am I going to have over 10 plants? Anyone want to give a nice caring home for some of 'em?




On thursday I just casually went out for a walk (pics from that!), since I woke up with a weird pair or muscles being sensitive after wednesdays proper walk/jogging. It seems like I always tend to do that.. pull a muscle when I go for the first proper walk of the year. Not complaining tho, I just find it interesting how it's different pair or muscles every year - it's like I'm discovering something new each time!

Yesterday morning I went to buy a pair of curtains that were on sale, the ones that properly block light. Say I'm funny or not, I actually put 'em behind my actual curtains, so I basically have double layer. I don't yet have an iron, and even if I did, I bet blank gray ones wouldn't look as nice. Might look a bit heavy to have two curtains on top of each other, but let's face it: my furnitures are only in black or dark wooden color, so at least in my opinion they don't stand out weirdly. Three yays: 1. for sun not ruining my pitch black bunker (aka home), 2. I can sleep properly and 3. it's actually much cooler when the sunlight stays out. I'm such a happy nerd now.


Overall I've just stayed in touch with friends, watched movies and lots of YouTube, been on social media.. the usual. Spring has properly kicked it's affect on me and I've done two proper workout sessions and walks this week in total. Body approves. I'm feeling much more energetic in general. We shall see when the hay (birch) fever starts to push me back down (and will the pills that I got too late last year actually work or do I keep blowing blood out of my nose). Anyways: So far so good!

Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Pastel sky


Hey y'all. My head has been feeling like it's in the middle of some swift. It's weird to think about how little you actually knew yourself a year ago, or even a month ago. I think it's extremely important to be constantly evolving, and to not to be scared of growing and changing. It's also important to let people around you change, no matter what it will do to your connection. It's important not to try to change another to fit your life (or anything) better.

I've also discovered that I actually wish to read more books with (modern) poetry. I haven't ever been properly into poetry, mainly 'cause I'm (as with many things) really picky about what sort of poems I like. But I lately read one poem book (which was in English btw!) that I genuinely liked. And I wish to find more like it.


The past 5 weekends in a row I've had a friend to stay over (btw we completed Sly 2 and 3: 100%), so after that long time I'm finally having a week for myself (which almost seems weird). Yesterday I was walking with a friend, and today I was walking two hours with another friend. I also did a workout, but it still somehow feels like I have too much time to sit on my PC for example.

I've been planning to start my proper walk/jogging things, since snow has been melting away from streets quite nicely since last week (sunday-monday night surprise snowing doesn't count, it melted away already!), so it starts to be really good weather to just put sneakers on and not to slip anymore. Luckily a good hoodie is also enough even in 0°C weather, if I just know what else to put on - since I still have no intentions to purchase "a sport jacket".

We shall see how this week goes!

ps. happy World Poetry Day

Monday, 20 March 2017

1826 days of poetry


5 years ago today my poem site was officially born. At the moment it has 608 published poems, so on average it seems that I write a poem on every third day. This has only been the first hand full of it's journey - we'll see what the future holds!

Friday, 17 March 2017

Coming out - thoughts & telling




First of all I want to clarify that I'm changing the course of plans: I'm not writing about my past as part of this "coming out" thing. I simply found it too hard to write about, since it's actually been surprisingly long process (the first signs came up quite early for me and of course continued to manifest throughout time). So I've decided that I'll share more about that in the future instead of now. So this writing is about the present moment and the future.

Shall we begin?



I'm having the feeling when I just acknowledge how connected I really am with my gender. I know that I am not a man nor a woman. I am something completely different.

Non-binary means that, since it's literally an umbrella term for every gender that excists outside the binary of male and female. I acknowledge that I share characteristics with both binary genders, but in reality I'm neither. I may occasionally feel like I'm in the middle - since people usually have a hard time figuring me out. But truly I feel like I'm something completely different, which is usually a little bit more harder to wrap hands around as a concept. My gender is third gender, which as a whole is something completely different than being "in between" something. And as a wish for the future I'd love to get 'X' marker in my passport.


At the moment I'm quite strictly chosen to be non-op trans person. Non-op basically means that I've chosen not to undergo sex reassignment surgeries (= genital surgeries) or any surgery that adjusts my other physical sex characteristics (aka boobs, in my case top surgery). I have several personal reasons why I feel like flattening my chest wouldn't be worth of the operation, even when I wish that I didn't have boobs in the first place. But luckily they're small, so they don't bring me unbearable dysphoria. With my genital area I'm completely fine, even happy, with. I just strongly dislike the fact that I have uterus, since let's be real I'll never do anything with it and so on.


Usually trans (= person whose gender differs from the one they were assigned at birth) people socially transition no matter do they transition physically or not, and this is also something I've been doing. So what does socially transitioning mean..?
  • Use of a different name.
  • Use of different pronouns.
  • Surface transformations of the physical appearance.
  • Use of a different bathroom.
  • General differences in social roles.

I've already changed my name online several months ago, and also most of my friends have been referring to me this way, and from the very beginning it've felt really good. It'll pretty much happen that I'm going to change it legally before autumn. Never ever my old name after that.

Pronouns.. Well, with English that's a thing. They/them is a thing.

I'll try to figure out what's authentically me. With clothing: without caring about "womens" or "mens". I'll start to wear what ever I want to more freely than I've done in the past. Most likely that means that I'm going to buy a bit more clothing from the "mens section" since I don't have many, yet. Just to even it out a little bit more, if I find cool ones of course. There so should be more unisex stores tho, since those clothes are sooo comfy.

I understand that public bathrooms affect FTM and MTF people more than non-binary people (since for them it's more likely much more crucial to be able to use the bathroom that suits their gender), but using gendered bathrooms might still bring us discomfort. I personally prefer gender neutral bathrooms.

I think I've tried to get away from most of gendered roles that has been put on me from an early age without always even realizing. Now when I do realize, I can take more control of the situations and push myself out of the roles I really don't want to be in. Also what I want to be referred as a sibling, as a partner.. as anything. These are just examples, this social role thing goes far!



The point of me telling about this to the world in general ain't that everyone understands 100% what I'm saying (at least right away), but you can still accept something without fully knowing what it's about. You accept cis people's genders all the time without questioning 'em, without even thinking about questioning 'em, so I'm only asking for you to do the same for me. I'm asking you to respect my identity. I'm not trying to be "a special snowflake". I'm just being me, which sometimes seems to be a bit challenging in this world, especially when you're part of a minority.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Whirling time

On monday it was time for me to jump into a bus to travel to meet my friend Sari. This time I actually got to spent ~half of my bus journey with a friend beside me, which was really nice. Then the second half.. first half of it I watched YouTube and the bit I just talked with Milo and listened to music, which I tend to do a lot.



Sari had previously suggested that she'd be interested to go and watch Tom of Finland with someone, so when the evening came we headed to the cinema.We both liked the movie, and I bet we'll keep joking how "Yellow is a sissy color!" since.. well, you know if you've seen the movie. Partly it was extremely sweet & cute and partly just sad. Strong story, portrayed with Finnish style with a tiny international twist.



On tuesday we headed to the city to go around couple of shops, including one awesome antiquarian shop which sells movies, music, books.. ended up buying 3 movies and 2 records. Oops.. Well, at least now my Happoradio collection is complete, so I get that out of my way. Also it's always nice to get my movie shelf a bit bigger. That reminded me that I, again, have some stuff coming in the mail.. Who said I enjoy TV-series, movies, music, books..? Well, I might just a little.



We both also ended up buying pair of sunglasses, so we're definitely feeling 'em. I love this picture of us btw.

More feeling-the-sunglasses:



Oh, and I have to share this sweeeet blazer that I found! It seems to fit perfectly and was the last one sale - I feel really happy and lucky that I found it. I acknowledge it doesn't get to show it's full potential with a band T-shirt, my comfy jeans and over sized combat boots, but that'll do now. You get the picture.


Clock ran while watching Brokeback Mountain (Sari.. what did you do to meeee, it was so heartbreaking movie! Goddamn.) and the day changed into wednesday. I got to hear Happy Birthday song sang to me () and also got some heart-warming messages all around the places.

On afternoon it was time for me to travel back home. After a long time the bus trip actually felt long, in the midway I even hit a little sorrow, 'cause of reasons, but it passed as alwyas. I'm feeling really thankful for this time that I had, quality of it was amazing (thx to the friend), so: Big thank you Sari. I miss you already!

Maybe the best "online" present was still to Skype with Milo before going to sleep, no matter we both were feeling quite slow, but it was understandable since noticing it was late. Also made pizza for myself before that, so. Sweet brithday. Even had singing birthday card waiting for me at home, without forgotting that I had the present Sari had given to me (which was so nice btw). I felt whole.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017