Shadow of Subconsciousness

Sunday, 28 May 2017

Motley dreams (and news)


I see a dream where a friend of mine murders my whole family after lying that we're together. I see a dream where we escape Michael Myers. I see a dream about mysterious labyrinth house that me and my childhood family move in; demons lure in the corners, clones walk on ceilings, have cut open stomachs, completely white eyes and hideous grins. The real you occasionally disappear to the mist or you just casually stab 'em to death without wanting to admit the world (purgatory?) that we're in. I see dream about fictional character (Eliot Waught), maybe for the first time ever in my life. I see a dream where we me and a friend of mine go to a concert after a weird bus trip that's full of laughter, and just have a conversation after how we missed this. I see dreams where you touch me, I see dreams that we've met, that we're really in love.


I've officially started taking steps towards leaving meat and dairy out from my diet, I'm feeling fresh and powerful. I've discovered that at least my body is otherwise in a really good shape - I just need to work with the right scapula, and apparently go and take an x-ray of my right wrist when I have the energy, I might have something weird going on with the bones.

I've been jogging, walking and practising self-care. I've been laughing and having lots of thoughts about the world; me, my surroundings and everything further than that. Hell, I've even been playing Diablo III again! Summer starts to be here, and I believe I have the power to make my life truly mine. Also, still some mysterious waiting. It remains as a mystery until autumn arrives, "the secret" shall be revealed in time.


I'm also going to participate in one journaling challenge next month,
so you can expect to see that in here.

Friday, 19 May 2017

The Gender Tag

I'm re-answering to Ashley Wylde's The Gender Tag Project



1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?
I go by non-binary. It means that I'm neither male nor female.

2. What pronouns honor you?
They/them, luckily Finnish has only one for everyone.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.
Everything is black, always black. I lean towards grayscale things in general. More or less artsy/rocker&metal/nerdy. Tight jeans, leather jackets, zip hoodies, tank tops, ponchos, print tees, something weirdly flowy.. sometimes even sweatpants or leather pants. Always some accessories, to which I have four go-tos: ear cuff on left ear (making company to the piercing), ring on right index finger, symbolistic necklace and/or specific scarf tied around right ankle.

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?
I comb my hair when it needs it, sometimes I keep it open and sometimes it's tied fully or partly. A little bit hair spray if feeling like it. I don't (almost unfortunately) grow facial hair. I keep all of my body hair (by this I mean hair, armpits and pubic hair) neat with tiny scissors.

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?
I rarely use makeup, and when I do it's only brows and eye pencil(s). I also sometimes paint part or all of my nails black (I general I kind of like how they look naturally, since I see the shape I keep 'em in). I use soaps that smell like milk/vanilla/toffee/chocolate, and I use sensitive slightly perfumed roll-on. I also have one go-to spicy & mystical unisex perfume, if I feel like smelling particularly nice that day.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?
Yup, but only mostly by people who don't known me anyway - and I'm luckily in that sort of situation at the moment where this sort of thing doesn't happen everyday. But when I do get misgendered, I try hard to think that the person can't generally know just by looking at me (and that I'm just really good at being invisible when I want to).

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?
I have my moments, yes. Boobs, hips.. the usual package. Sometimes even my hair which fucks me up the most. Well, I end up thinking ways how I could neutralize these feelings and spend less time worrying about 'em; mostly through clothing or just general everyday choices. I admit sometimes I end up having a bit more heavy hypothetical thoughts about me with a completely flat chest, or from time to time (problematically) having a prosthetic in my pants to boost up my masculinity outside my apartment - either one, would be interesting to try for the sake of experimenting. I personally want to keep playing around with my gender expression more (rather than taking it too seriously anymore). I find that variability in style is interesting, and it even relieves the stress and discomfort. After all: It's just the way I look on the outside.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?
Adopting with a partner ain't off the table, and we'd both equally be the caretakers. If living alone, while being older, I might be interested in being foster parent from time to time - depending on my current living situation and all that of course.

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?
I couldn't care less who makes more money; me or my partner, when both of us just manage to carry ourselves - that's important for me. I prefer that both of us pay for our own things, but I usually don't mind if the other person wants to cosset a little bit and offers to pay (if the thing they're paying for ain't substantial!). I very rarely offer to pay, unless it's some sort of celebration day and I've just planned & payed the whole thing anyway.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?
It's been a long way for me to come to this far, stand with my own to feet and tell all of this with pure confidence. I want you to know and remember that everything doesn't necessarily happen in one day, and that we all are growing and changing all the time. Remember to be open, don't be afraid, and listen to yourself.


Friday, 12 May 2017

Comeback of the paper hat

When you don't know what to wear.. just wear everything darling.
Oh yeah I haven't worn that paper hat since summer 2012.. I kind of got tired of it being just a decoration.

There has been days when I've only opened up my mouth to speak English - makes me wonder how much my life has changed. Developing things with language that ain't my native one. Also going to be watching Eurovision Song Contest finale while chatting in English.

Days when I feel like I'd want to live out of suitcase, that I definitely need to declutter stuff even more (which I have done). I deleted some of my internet accounts in a hope of finding inner piece better - continuously being out in the open all around without any particular reason is actually surprisingly tiring, and I've always said I'd rather meet people through what I do than anything else. So now my digital footpring is even a little bit more in control. I want to focus better on things that I have going on, not to be separated to all sort of different places at once. I've also been less on PC, what is this sorcery. Hello TV screen.


And yeah, I went to check King Arthur for the sake of the director, in advance even. The raaare moment when this fox hypes the director even a little bit - gotta love those Sherlock movies. King Arthur had it's ups and downs, but overall I enjoyed it. I'd say it's one of those cases where the trailer is so well built that it creates challenge for the movie itself.  In addition of the usage of the cameras, I want to mention the extremely fitting audio (minus two parts when I'd say the sound lost it's original touch via too much editing - but hey, who am I to say? I've only done one soundscape that went to official use and so on - besides I think this is mostly a matter of opinion. so).


And just for the sake of comparison.. here's me being 16 with the hat:

In a certain light..  I don't age much, do I?

Saturday, 6 May 2017

Such a happy raccoon


Yesterday I saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, which in my opinion was even better than the first one. It's still making me happy. I joked that the movie should start with Rocket, and also end with him on the screen.. I got the second one, so..! + the amount of music it has in it! Also it was super nice to have brother here, we played Telltale's The Walking Dead + it's DLC. Such a nice game!

Currently feeling exhausted yet still full of thoughts. Lovin' & waiting this, I let it speak for itself:


And now since we're on the subject of music: Thunder is also preeeetty nice, Imagine Dragons seems to keep their touch even tho they evolve. I absolutely adore their full on black clothing, and the fact that the whole video is in grayscale.. the meaning of the lyrics.. I just, ah.

I feel like I'm selling my soul to art/culture, and yet I love every second of it. These things will always continue making me extremely happy. I feel like my soul is smiling.